the John Mayer Lyrical Inspiration Issue

Sometimes I just feel so alone. I know I'm not. He's always there, even if I don't want him to be. But isn't that a silly thought...never wanting him to be around? Honestly, that's a lie. I'm thankful that he's always around, he'll never leave me! That's a promise I know will never be broken.

The path I'm heading down is like I'm slow dancing in a burning room. Yes, John Mayer, I will cry about it. Slow dancing in a burning room? I couldn't imagine worse. Don't you think we ought to know by now? Yes-I ought to know that I'm never alone, never have been, never will be. Don't you think we should've learned somehow? Yes- we should've learned...somehow. And I'm sure we will, that's what mistakes are for. How would we learn if we never made mistakes? If there were no such things as mistakes, we wouldn't have much of a life.

If we never made mistakes, we'd never see our flaws, never recognize that we need him; need his love, his kindness, his grace, his forgiveness. need him.

There's no way I could survive in the real world without him. I'm barely surviving in Hermitville, population: 1!

I tell myself this ALL the time, but stubborn me NEVER listens....I need to LET GO! Let him care for me, love him, and carry me through life's tumultuous journey.

I should know by now...

...you were always meant to have my heart.

the Googly Eyes Issue

I was recently reading one of my new favourite..blogs, I guess you could call it.

Leslie Ludy has an online magazine called, Set-Apart Girl . She and her husband, have written several books, about how to live a "set-apart" life,and living for God!

I have enjoyed reading her magazine in the past, and I stumbled upon one of this months articles by chance, just quickly flipping through the magazine, as I didn't have "time" to read the entire thing. Then I came upon, page 29! On an article about Godly Girl/Guy Interaction. However, in it, it listed four characteristics a "set-apart" girl should NOT do or be or have!

One of them was to have "googly eyes". Someone you stares and gawks alot!

This is me to a TEE! In the article it mentions, that a "guy notices when a girl is watching him, and especially when the same girl gazes in his direction all the time." It also went on to say that, " you may think it is unnoticeable; however, the likelihood is that there are numerous people in the room that notice the tacky googly eyes on your face."

This struck hard.

I stare. I gawk I have..googly eyes!

Do you want to know the worst part?

I have googly eyes at the wrong person! The person I should have all my attention on is being pushed to the back burner. I'm concentrating on this other person, who no doubt has no feelings towards me, while the person I've pushed aside has loved me unconditionally, irrevocably. Even while I ignore him, even though it hurts him to see me so callously throwing my affections on thoughtless ventures, he loves me still. Something I take for granted. Every day.

No matter what I do, he's there. No matter what I say, he's there. He's there, he's never going to leave me. This person who I've had googly eyes at, would no doubt go screaming, running in the opposite direction if he found out only half of my problems. Yet, the love of my life has been by my side through EVERYTHING, half the time he's carried me!

So the next time my googly eyes decide to pop out, I better be careful as to which direction they're pointed at!

the Trust Issue

I have always had a problem with trusting people. People have let me down, never kept their promises, said cruel words and acted very unbecoming. So when the love of my life came along, I didn't know how to trust that he would do the things he said.

I poured my heart out to him, and he stayed, he didn't run away or ignore my problems/issues, which surprised me. He took me as I was. He accepted me for who I was. He forgave me for the things I had done. I put my trust in him, and he never let me down; never has, never will.

I didn't know how to follow him without losing my way. I had to learn to let him lead me.

Trust. The word 'trust' means,

-reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of aperson or thing; confidence.

-to have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on.

-to believe.

-to expect confidently; hope

Trust is a five letter word that has taken me nearly 20 years to understand. I still have trouble trusting people, even my closest friends don't know my secrets, my thoughts, my dreams and aspirations.

For me, it's a daily thing- trusting him. Every day I have to renew my trust in him. Trust that he'll help me through the day, be there for me, comfort me, listen to all my complaints and worries without passing judgment on me. I have to trust in his love. Trust that he'll ALWAYS be there for me, even when I don't think he'll be.

It all comes down to trust. Trust that he'll catch me when I fall...

the Aftermath

Turning my back on him, consciously making an effort to ignore him was the worst decision I ever made. From that one bad decision, it led me down a road of many bad decisions.

My high school years weren't too crazy. I partied, not heavily, but just enough to be social. I followed what my friends did, tried what they tried. Somehow, thankfully, I came out of my teenage years unscathed. Somehow, he was protecting me, keeping me safe. Many times, bad things could have happened to me, but just the thought of him made me feel safe, his name kept me safe.

Every time someone spoke of his name in a bad way, it stung my heart, every time someone mentioned his name or that of his fathers, made me get defensive, yet I would never speak up. Too scared, too shy...

Following your friends can lead to bad decisions, mistakes you could have otherwise not made.

A friend that helps you fall, is not a friend at all.

I gave up a best friend, the greatest friend I will ever know, for some "friends" who aren't even my friends now.

the Destruction of Keeping Your Friends Happy

The next few days were blissful, we couldn't get enough of each other. However, with summer ending and school beginning, I began to worry. Worry about what my friends would think of him, he wasn't the type of guy they'd like. They had make fun of him before.

So like any 15 year old, who is worried about what her friends would think, I cut off communications with him; I didn't want my friends to make fun of me!! I stopped taking his calls, didn't read the letters he'd given me. I cut him off completely.

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years.

For the next few years, I heard his name mentioned here and there. That voice in my head would always whisper his name, he was always on my mind, even when I wasn't even aware of it! Everything reminded me of him, everywhere I looked, everything I saw, I saw him.

The Beginning

I met this great guy the other day. Well, I guess you could say we were reunited. You see I met him for the first time almost five years ago, and it was love at first sight. He said he's loved me all along, ever since before he knew me, but then again, he's never not known me!

I had heard about him since I was five, when he first entered into my family's life. By the time I was nine, my mother, father, one older sister and brother had all met him. They loved him instantly. They were constantly telling me I need to meet him, I have to get to know him, but I had other plans. I didn't need some guy holding me back, I had plans for my life, plans that didn't include him. I was hesitant in meeting him, nervous, scared even!

Hesitant, because I didn't know if he would like me. Nervous, because I didn't know what he was going to be like, and scared because I was deathly shy. I didn't know how to approach. I couldn't even begin to think of what I would say...

I was fifteen when we first met. I remember the day perfectly, like it was yesterday. People had been talking about him again, it had been a while since I'd heard about him, or at least since I'd taken an interest in him again.

I thought to myself, "He must be back in town..?"

"He never left." , a voice inside my head said.

It was like he'd known me all along. He'd known me forever. We talked endlessly, or at least I did. I poured my heart out to him, thinking he wouldn't really care, but he did. Why was I surprised? He told me he had loved me my whole life.

August 26th, 2006. The day true love entered into my life.